Everything is “so” something.
If it’s not so something, it’s so not worth talking about.

Ask a rhetorical question, then immediately answer it.
Why would any writer do something like that? Because it’s awesome, that’s why.

Skirt the edge between sarcasm and sincerity, so you could be construed either way.
It’s no good to clearly express your opinion. Oh, no. Better to safely retreat behind a constant sly smirk. That’ll keep them guessing, and set things up so that you can never be wrong. Yeah.

Strikethrough is your friend.
It’s a clever typographical device that opens up a whole new way to be a knee-jerk smartass express your thoughts.

So is italic.
I mean, duh.

Sprinkle in useless metaphors and orthogonal pop-cultural references.
That makes the writing more spicy— like a taco lovingly slathered with Tapatío brand hot sauce. ¡Muy Salsa!

And above all… never forget to exaggerate.
Because hyperbole is the essence of wit, and what makes this all-too-short life worth living.

“No matter how I slice and dice the customer base, customers give lower ratings to obscure titles. A balanced picture emerges of the impact of online channels on market demand: Hit products remain dominant, even among consumers who venture deep into the tail. Hit products are also liked better than obscure products. It is a myth that obscure books, films, and songs are treasured. What consumers buy in internet channels is much the same as what they have always bought.”

– The Harvard Business Review, Should You Invest in the Long Tail?, July/August 2008 Issue

The two main spaces of Electronic Entertainment Expo had grown into more of a circus than a trade show. To give you an idea of the kind of money that was being thrown at it, one year, a major publisher internally decided they would try to spend $1 million less on their support for the show. The booths were huge and extravagant: Sony’s reached three stories tall at one point, ziggurat-like in its construction, the entire top floor reserved for a kind of lounge where employees and their guests could look down at the rest of the show. Hired performers littered the aisles, vying for people’s attention; there were DJs, full bands, skaters doing tricks on a half-pipe, actors playing zombies or World War II soldiers, and of course, the “booth babes.” Some publishers put together theme-park-like events on their own stages, trying to attract a crowd. One year, so many guys packed around the Tecmo booth to see a show with models playing the Dead or Alive girls that a fire marshal was forced to shut it down.